Working Out on The Inside

Let’s face it, as easy as it is to say that we understand our weaknesses, our flaws, our downfalls, most of the time, we really don’t. I am the first to admit that I’m bad at this. I’m a 27 year old Southern female who grew up in an extremely loving family and safe atmosphere, how could I not think that I am flawless?! I’m also extremely stubborn and argumentative by nature, therefore  if I’m not right, it is very easy for me to talk myself and others into thinking that I am right.

So let me introduce my flaws to everyone:

I’m angry, easy to anger, I can go from 1-10 in 0.5 seconds due to a raise of an eyebrow or an expression from someone that I find less than comforting.

I am always right, and if I’m not, as I’ve mentioned previously, I will convince myself that I am right.

I am selfish, yes I said it, I’m very selfish, I’m the baby of the family and my only sibling is 7 years older than me so I admit that I’m very spoiled and I definitely abuse and overuse my gift of persuasion.

If I don’t get my way, if my decision is not chosen by everyone, I pout; I act like a complete child and refuse to enjoy any other decision no matter how fun it could be.

Despite the boastful, cheerful, positive, confident energy I try my best to exude to others, I’m overly apologetic because I’m so self-conscious, so afraid, so doubtful of myself and my abilities. I think very lowly of myself more so than I’d really care to admit.

I’m afraid to fail and I take my own inner doubts out on my loved ones.

Bottom line here - I am human.

I believe that I’ve reached my first step to true happiness, admitting that I’m human, that I can be mean, cruel, selfish, negative, and just plain stupid at times. I doubt myself so much that I find myself saying, “I’m sorry,” when I did nothing wrong. I seek other’s love and acceptance so much that it’s often crippling. When I write all my flaws out like this, it helps me see how stupid I can really be, my first reaction to this is to crawl back into my inner-downward spiral into continuing to hate myself as I’m seeing everything I hate about myself on my computer screen, but not today, nope, I am the only person who can fix me so I’m going to give it a try! Admittedly, I’m still going to give it a try for my precious husband, my incredible family and my loving friends, not for myself, I don’t think I deserve it as much as they do. I realize I’m already going back on fixing myself here but again, I’m still human.

 Okay, so thinking back on the advice Bill Murray’s character was given on “What About Bob,” I’m going to take baby steps. My first baby step is to work on my anger and my reactions to others’ mistakes, emotions and reactions. I’ve had one minor success today on this subject, which also touches on my selfishness, so YEY! I’m a weirdo about my money but have agreed to join bank accounts with my husband and call our money OUR money, instead of MY money. This is a major breakthrough for me, folks. I am a very hard worker and I will attempt to climb up a corporate ladder like a spider monkey, so I tend to be a bit too proud of my own earnings. Luckily, I have yet to resort to tossing my feces at others.

I have to give credit to the following articles that I have recently read which have led to me wanting to improve myself for the sake of others, specifically my husband and our relationship.

1 - http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-women-arent-crazy/

2 - http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/6-reasons-why-women-arent-crazy-is-only-part-of-the-story/

When I read article #1 above, at first I felt like, finally, someone understands how I’ve been feeling my whole life!!!  Then I read article #2 (response to article #1) and then I realized, hey, I’ve been doing this to others my whole life!!! Something about these articles and their subjects put me in a peaceful place, a more understanding, more human place. I’ve found myself truly putting myself in others’ shoes and treating their feelings as important as my own. This inspired me to work on my whole self and all of my flaws for the sake of my loved ones.

So for today I will be more understanding, show love and stop playing the victim card. Even if I am a victim of hurtful things, I am the only one who can control my reaction to them and the amount of time I fret on what was said or done to me.

Sorry for the long, “my, me, me, mine” post, but hopefully it can inspire someone else to start working out on the inside too. 

Good-day, folks and thanks for reading!