Half What?

It's been quite a while since my last post and quite a bit has happened in the meantime; I have lost a dear friend, the government has shut down, and I've recently caught one hell of a cold. I have also recently passed my real estate exams, treated myself to a new macbook, welcomed two dear friends to Nashville, and have been pampered and babied by my husband and my friends while feeling under-the-weather. Doesn't the saying go, "It's all about perception?"I think about this subject probably too much and I will most likely write of perception again in the future so I apologize in advance for the redundancy. 

As any Southern female would have you believe, well I always head towards the light given any situation...but let's be real here, I don't. I've been isolating myself from things that make me happy, consoling my own inner negative feelings as if they were my beloved dog, Amicus. Hey, folks, wanna hear another flaw of mine? I can be very self destructive and from now on I will work on this. I will limit my number of bath-times to listen to Cat Power and Fiona Apple while weeping in the candlelight to one night only, though there must be a release of all the sadness so a little leak in the sunshine exterior must be allowed, one night is acceptable. Baby steps, people. 

Though there can only be one night to snail up in my shell and be silent and pity my situation because of what? Perception. A greater person for this world to have dangling around it would try to perceive the good that they have surrounding them, not the bad. Those Cat and Fiona baths could last as long as I could stand the chill of the water, but that chill could be all that I'm contributing to that moment I have to dangle upon this world, and who wants to soak in a bathtub full of chilly tears and listen to heartbroken altos moan against your crying when you could hold up a shield of sunshine? Yes, it sounds cheesy and corny, but I do not apologize for being me, the open heart wrapped up in a human. 

So today, as I cough upon my shiny new laptop, I think of the fun times I had with my buddy, Joe, and how he always seemed to have a shield of sunshine around him, and I think of my husband's smile when I compliment the incredible braised chicken and kale he made me for dinner. The positive chain of thoughts begin to unfold, just as the negative thoughts. So now I'll keep on with the positive perception, try and be grateful for the numerous, spectacular, and unique blessings for which only I can enjoy. I hope we all try and enjoy dangling on this planet together and perceive ourselves holding onto our sunny shields because only then will we be prepared to shine on our own. 

As always, I appreciate you, your time, and I wish you sunny days ahead. 

The Grudge

Let's let it go with the let downs.

I began my day today with a few let downs, a reminder of a few let downs, and a sense of dread for new ones to come, this does not make for a happy Wednesday. I say this, but I do not want to paint myself as a victim, as I can control my day and my mood, no one else. If it’s not a happy Wednesday for me so far, then how can I make it happy and steer my thoughts to a brighter light? I’ll start with coffee.

I feel that my last post may have been a bit too personal, that my stories were a bit too specific and that I may have painted myself as a victim, which was not my intention. Pity is never something that one should seek, I never want pity, though support and encouragement are always welcome and accepted with great appreciation. I can’t begin to express how overcome with love and support I’ve felt over everyone’s reaction to this little blog of mine, so I thank you all for being so kind, supportive and truly wonderful to me. It’s seriously a breakthrough for me and some of my relationships with those who have read this and I’m more than thankful, I’m stoked. I thank you.

Okay, so back to being let down – we’ve all felt this, we’ve all been disappointed by someone we love and it always hurts. But what do we do with this hurt? The easiest thing to do, the most selfish, self-destructive thing to do is to take those 2 ounces of disappointment, sift out all the past happiness in your heart from those who disappointed you, remove the love, and bake your brain and heart for weeks on end and voila, there you have it, folks, a nice, big, nasty lump of grudge to eat away at your soul as long as you can stand it. Doesn’t it taste great! No, it’s horrible, there’s nothing more bitter tasting than a deeply rooted grudge.

Have you ever seen the movie The Grudge? Me neither, but I’m forced to see the terrifying commercials for the movie that add to my imagination only to haunt my dreams at night. Yes, I realize this movie is old news, but the title and content (from what I can tell from the previews) reminded me of the grudges that I hold inside of me, they are more than ugly and scary like the movie and its images, and they don’t just haunt my dreams, they haunt my life and hold me back from relationships that could be beautiful and could contribute to my own positive, internal growth.

Sometimes I find myself thinking, “Oh well, she hates me, forget it, I don’t need her anyway,” but I don’t know this. I don’t know that I don‘t need someone, how do I ever know what awards and benefits I can gain from a friendship if I give it up at the first feeling of disappointment? Friendship reminds me of a tulip bulb, at first it looks like a dirty-little-deformed-onion, but let’s overlook that, bury it in good soil, water it a little, and then one day wander outside to find our new favorite flower, one that we had never imagined could be so beautiful and make us so happy.

Friends and family are going to disappoint us, no matter what, and we are going to disappoint them because we’re ALL human and if we can so easily accept our own human ways then why not others? If we don’t accept their downfalls, mistakes, and flaws, then who are we to assume that our downfalls, mistakes, and flaws should be forgiven and accepted by others? Let’s be real though, sometimes people can appear as dirty-little-deformed-onions and they do horrible things and they should know that their actions are wrong, and if that happens and we are just so upset, and so disappointed and let down by their actions, we should try and fix it, approach them in a loving way, while understanding they’re human too, and explain our feelings. When they reply, let’s actually listen to them and be ready to take the blame for any feelings of hurt that we may have caused. This is the point where I separate the weeds from the flowers, if my sincere attempt to resolve an issue is rejected entirely and I see no chance of saving the relationship, then maybe that means they are a weed that I don’t need in my garden, but I need to be careful here and decipher which end of the argument is truly bringing the negativity. Bottom line here is to try your BEST to RESOLVE the issue, no matter how long you’ve been letting it rise, don’t let it bake your brain and heart until they are so well done that they’re worth sending back, that’s only leaving you hungry. That’s the only solution I have found that softens my heart and keeps it open for new happiness to come inside, but I’m definitely still working on it, as I too, am simply another human and definitely guilty of disappointing my loved ones.

Nothing feels better than forgiveness, no matter which end of it you’re on, so let’s try our best to not allow our friend’s dirty-little-deformed-onion-acting-moments keep us from continuing to water that relationship, we don’t even know what color of tulip they can be in our pretty little gardens. We ALL have one life, one garden, so let’s make it beautiful and love it and all of the seedling that flutter into it. 

Thanks again for reading my rambles. 

Fear Fail

When a thunderstorm rumbles through Nashville, my dog freaks out, he hates the thunder so much that he burrows into our basement closet. It is amazing to me that his instinct is so spot-on that he seeks shelter in the safest place in the house. It makes me think of my human instinct and how humans deal with fear of things such as thunder.

Thunder itself cannot harm you, though when you hear thunder you can pretty much bet on lightning tagging along, but I've read that an average of 300 people die each year in the US due to being struck by lightning, so really, we should be more afraid of steak and bacon as about 600,000 people die each year due to heart disease; this is where Amicus (my dog) and I differ, he has me beat on cuteness and speed, but I have him beat on reasoning, I can sit on the couch and happily listen to the thunder, I prefer the couch over the basement closet any day. But do I have the same, slightly irrational, “thunder fear” elsewhere? Absolutely, it is my fear of failure and it’s holding me in my own “basement closet.”

I am blessed with an able body and able mind and I am blessed with other gifts unique to myself, as all other humans, but do I use my gifts? No, not at all, I bury them in the basement closet because I’m afraid that I’ll fail and people won’t like me or my creation. For example, I love to sing, I feel that it is my unique gift that God has blessed me with but what do I do with it? Nothing. I used to refer to myself as a “singer-songwriter” as I live in Nashville, I sing, and I've written songs, but I haven’t even written more than 10 songs my entire life, most of which I hate; this doesn't make me a “singer-songwriter” so I've stopped calling myself that and I've stopped trying to be in a band in any way, shape or form. Why? Because I’m terrified of the “lightning” that may follow my attempt at using what I've been blessed with, sounds stupid, doesn't it?

Let me explain, I was in an original band once, yes, just once, and it didn't work out. I felt like the band members didn't like what I was doing, I felt that they were all way ahead of me in every way so I felt like I was a backup singer when I was supposedly the band leader. I believe that this is most likely again just another example of my self-doubt getting the best of me, so much that I thought everyone else hated what I was doing as much as I hated what I was doing. My brother and my husband were both in the band, both of whom I STRONGLY admire, both musically and personally, and I didn't want to let them down. I didn't want to let them down so much that I was willing to just let the band disintegrate and dissolve into nothing. I was so afraid of the “lightning” that I scurried to the basement closet before I even think about the “thunder.”

It’s pretty pathetic to see how I let my fears and my need for approval from others send my only gift into the basement closet curled up to my frightened Amicus. What should I do about it? Is it simply my human instinct that I can’t shake? No. Again, I have this ability to reason and should think about why I’m hesitating to share my gift and let it loose in the world. So why do I hesitate? I hesitate because I would be setting myself up for the too familiar feeling of being criticized and made fun of by my “friends.” Again, I need to realize this is simply a feeling, just words from other people’s mouth’s who can’t sing, they can just spew negative remarks on my gift and produce no song. This is their flaw, not mine, and this is the “lighting” I’m afraid of, their flaws? No. I need to get over this. This is my ultimate defeat, my ultimate down-fall, my ultimate failure – my fear of failure is my ultimate fail. How redundant, how...well...just plain silly?!

I should be calloused of this feeling, though I'm not, it's easier for me to just be a cynic and blame others for hurting me and holding me back. Let me explain some of the ways I've felt this devastating feeling of failure and the baggage that's creating my cynical ways and how I'm wrong for letting it continue to stifle my song. 

I've been singing my whole life and in my youth I have failed many times, so much that I think it may have bruised my psyche a bit. After winning talent show after talent show in elementary school, I didn't even make the show in middle school. I was stunned, how could this happen? What did I do? It was the teacher’s choice, either I was getting too cocky (likely story) or it was time to give others a shot (my cockiness showing through) or I wasn't good anymore. I entered the WHNT Kid’s Count – Kid Expo “big deal” singing contest in Huntsville and didn't even make it to the finals. My “No Doubt” song left me with nothing but doubts. I’ll never forget something my mom told me after I lost, she said (knowing my strange love for Elvis that I have had since I was 3), “Mia, no one liked Elvis when he first started getting on the stage and he never stopped.” That made me feel better and those words still comfort me when I fail, even to this very day. Elvis wasn't afraid of the thunder, though, perhaps he should have thought twice about the bacon, regardless, he's still my inspiration today as cliche as that may sound. 

After another musical defeat I started thinking, oh well, whatever, I might as well just focus on basketball as it was something else I could do well.  I put my whole heart in basketball and practiced after my team’s practice with Dad every day, one hundred three-pointers at five different spots on the perimeter, yep, perfect form every time thanks to Dad! I bet I could beat any of you today in a game of “H-O-R-S-E” or any word you’d like to try and spell (again, there's that cocky side that needs to be channeled more often, that confidence is hiding in here somewhere). 

When high school came along I didn't make show choir after trying my best to be humble about my gift. Something was up at this point, people don’t like me.  I’m just not good. That’s what I told myself, that’s how I felt. Sophomore year came around, still didn't make show choir. Again, crushed, angry, confused, I didn't make it my junior year either so again I felt the lightning of my failure. Finally my senior year they changed the policy, it wasn't just “teacher’s choice” anymore, I could audition and there were people from outside the school on the judging panel! Not only did I make show choir that year, one of the girls in my audition made my year, she said, “Do you think you could just skip this and sing with us college singers instead?” I was THRILLED!!! FINALLY, success!!! It made me forget all about the fear of failing, I could sing again! 

This energy left me feeling like singing in the county’s Junior Miss contest! I entered the contest, played the guitar and sang, and I didn't even place, again. Again I felt crushed, like my efforts were all in vain and my voice was pointless. My friends were there to cheer me on though, they kept me up, they kept me up until they let me down. We were all watching the video of me singing at the Junior Miss show at a friend’s house and they were really complimenting me, making me feel so much better about losing. I left the house, forgot my coat and had to return, upon returning I let myself in the house only to find a room full of my friends AND their parents laughing hysterically at my video because I had my eyes closed as I was singing because I was feeling the music I was singing and playing. Talk about feeling crushed. I was totally and completely heartbroken. I have since forgiven the folks who broke my heart that day as I know they were just expressing their internal cowardice, I mean, not one of them signed up to compete in the program so who are they to laugh at me and all of my efforts? If you read my previous rambling, you may see that these folks were some of the weeds I have weeded out of my garden.

So, remember when I talked about basketball? Yeah, that didn't stop either. I was working my butt off, having a blast, learning some valuable life lessons without even realizing it – all thanks to basketball, all thanks to Dad. He was a crucial point of this, he was my critic and I was okay with that, I respected him, he knew my game, he knew what was up, we had signals for everything and we were set. My coach didn't always agree with me, however, and I wasn't one to sit back and agree with him either, so needless to say, again, I didn't receive the recognition I thought I deserved. I played almost every single minute of every single game, I played almost every different position, called the plays and scored goals. Did I ever get an MVP award? Nope. The year I literally tied a three-point scoring record at the regional finals (my name is still in the program at the tournament each year, I might add), bringing us to the state tournament, I still didn't receive the MVP award.

There I stood on the center of the court, crushed again, failure searing through my veins like lightning, anger ruining the moment of winning the game. The award went to the girl it always went to, I was happy for her, at least I pretended to be, because she did work very hard at her skill too so I had to let it pass. Although it was such a familiar feeling, it still stung as deep as it always does, so I was then done with basketball too, I had had enough failure for high school, didn't want to carry it to college. Not to mention that I was the #1 player on the tennis team, and at my school, that meant that I got my ass beat on the reg. by all the rich girls at other schools who could afford lessons every weeknight. I was okay with that, though, I didn't try too hard at my tennis game so I could blame myself and shrug it off and laugh. It was pretty comical at times too and my team was really fun.

Now that I've rambled my life story to you all on the times I’m failed with my singing and with basketball, giving up athletic scholarships that could save me money, even to this day, I’ll get back to my instinct. So now I see that my instinct to give up my basketball scholarships that were offered, and to not start the Nashville band back again, IS different than my dog’s instinct to run to the basement closet when the thunder rolls, because again, I can reason.

I can reason that I've actually felt the lightning strike me before, as I've felt failure SO much that I know that it’s something I’m equipped to handle. It hurts like nothing else in this world but it doesn't take me out of it, so why run when I hear or feel the thunder, the thought that I just might fail, that I just might feel that stinging lighting again? I am an animal, is that why? No, it’s because I’m a coward and I need to step up and realize that failure isn't going to kill me. I need to remember how it felt when I saw Dad grinning from ear to ear when I hit that 7^th 3-pointer to tie the record, and how it feels when Mom begs me to sing “that song, you know, that song I love” just once more, they’re my true fans, and THAT should be my thunder and my voice should be my lightning. I need not let my fear send me to the basement closet and I need to remember that my gifts aren't given to me to hide in the basement closet and no one can send me there but me.

Thanks again for reading this, I realize today I may have gotten a bit too personal, and as always, too riddled with analogies but eh, maybe I let you down and maybe today I don’t care if I did. Get out there and fail at something, chances are, you won’t get struck by lightning. 

Weeding

After months of staring at my flower beds with the dread of weeding them, I finally did it this weekend. My cankles are pretty much just two giant mosquito bites but I feel very accomplished. As lame as that may seem to you, you didn’t see my flower beds before the weeding commenced, the weeds were at least 2 feet high and my beds are not the least bit tiny. Needless to say, I began the task in a foul mood, little did I remember how many great things there are about simply weeding a garden.

I stomped to the shed on Saturday morning feeling sleepy and pissed off that I had to do this alone, my husband was already fighting the good fight of push-mowing our huge backyard, which was also far too high (hence the mosquito cankles). As I slipped my hands in my gardening gloves I actually started feeling grateful. Grateful for the gloves to protect my hands and grateful for my mother-in-law who so thoughtfully gifted them to me the past Easter, I mean, only the kindest, most thoughtful person gives an Easter gift to their daughter-in-law?! A grin appeared on my already sweaty face and I thought of the time Charlene (my precious mother-in-law) and I planted some flowers together at her house a few summers past. What a nice day that was, just us two by the river planting and chatting all afternoon, and how I look forward to seeing her again soon.

The first handful of weeds I pulled made me feel grateful again, grateful for the ease of the pull and for the site of the roots. Then I thought of Mom, my roots, and all the times I’ve seen Mom flying around the yard, literally accomplishing more than a landscaping crew full of amigos could do in a weekend. Seriously, the woman is a super hero, I could explain this for hours but I’ll leave it at that today. I then channeled my inner-Annette (Mom) and really started ripping out some roots. I thought of how much I wished Mom was with me, but how much I knew I’d rather work alone so I wouldn’t have to see her sweat in my yard, that’s my work do, not Mom’s.

After 2 wheelbarrow loads of weeds to the curb, I started feeling like little Mia again, back when I was a kid. I have the bugs to thank for that, as well as my childhood backyard. They were crawling EVERYWHERE, I mean, I was amazed at the tiny ecosystem that was going on in my backyard! I saw hundreds of ants, crickets, worms, wasps, bees, spiders, furry spiders and my favorite, a gorgeous orange, green, and brown snapping turtle! Yes, my garden was SO bad there was a turtle living an insanely luxurious life a foot away from my beloved rosemary bush. The site of, what I believed was, a black widow was the only thing that frightened me and stopped my “sitting within a garden of all my creatures” thing I had going on, along with my little “queen of the bugs” pretend story I had twirling around my childlike brain. It quickly became a “how to NOT die this afternoon” kind of thing, luckily I didn’t. It’s pretty amazing that I came out of that with just mosquito bites. Again, I was feeling grateful.

My husband came to help me once he finished mowing the grass for several hours. I felt grateful again and excited that I could chat with him since my inner storyline of being the “queen of the bugs” had just been bitten by a maybe-black-widow-spider. More so, I was grateful for such a kind, hard working husband, though I still couldn’t hold back all of my weeding tips/demands from my poor Weston (husband).

By the time that the rain began trickling down, I finally felt accomplished, really accomplished though pissed at myself for not taking a “before” photo because it was oh so good. What’s next? That was my very next thought, what can I accomplish next in the yard? Mom will be so proud! That was my second thought, once again needing to do things for others approval and not necessarily my own. What I need to remember is the accomplished feeling that I had first once I had finally finished weeding my garden and how grateful it all made me. Maybe that will help me put on some work gloves again soon instead of clicking the “on” button to the television.

This feeling of accomplishment made my happy little childlike mind flood with thoughts, sending me deeper in my grateful mind. I thought of “weeding” and “roots” and how those words mean so many different things. How I’ve weeded out friends in my life because they were pulling all the color out of my life, making my life an overgrown mess, keeping me down and away from growth and flowering. My life is so much better because I gained the courage to weed it out. I pulled on my “work gloves” and decided to take matters into my own hands, no matter how many bugs I had to get through or how hard it was to give up friends that had become a part of my ecosystem, I had to weed out the bad friends for the sake of my own growth. There have been negative people in my life that I’m proud to say I graciously walked away from, and there are some people in my life that I consider pretty perennials, those that  I don’t get to see that often but I know will come back again soon, mostly family, that I’ll never weed because we share roots.

 If I can’t see the pretty flowers in my life, it’s my own fault, I need to take action and pull out the weeds so that I may be able to see, and be grateful for, the beauty that truly surrounds me. Are you getting all these analogies here? Okay, good, because I think I’ve used enough at this point.

Basically, my weekend was wonderful and it left me feeling grateful and accomplished. I feel another step closer to happiness because I know the feeling of accomplishment and I plan to hold on to those work gloves for the future. May I encourage you to get your weeding gloves on too? There’s just never a need for a weedy garden or a life full of people who keep you from blooming, so don’t be afraid to put on whatever gloves needed to get your life a little more in order, even if you do come away with a few bug bites. This cheesiness is brought to you by your friend, Meerkat. Thanks for reading my ramblings! 

Working Out on The Inside

Let’s face it, as easy as it is to say that we understand our weaknesses, our flaws, our downfalls, most of the time, we really don’t. I am the first to admit that I’m bad at this. I’m a 27 year old Southern female who grew up in an extremely loving family and safe atmosphere, how could I not think that I am flawless?! I’m also extremely stubborn and argumentative by nature, therefore  if I’m not right, it is very easy for me to talk myself and others into thinking that I am right.

So let me introduce my flaws to everyone:

I’m angry, easy to anger, I can go from 1-10 in 0.5 seconds due to a raise of an eyebrow or an expression from someone that I find less than comforting.

I am always right, and if I’m not, as I’ve mentioned previously, I will convince myself that I am right.

I am selfish, yes I said it, I’m very selfish, I’m the baby of the family and my only sibling is 7 years older than me so I admit that I’m very spoiled and I definitely abuse and overuse my gift of persuasion.

If I don’t get my way, if my decision is not chosen by everyone, I pout; I act like a complete child and refuse to enjoy any other decision no matter how fun it could be.

Despite the boastful, cheerful, positive, confident energy I try my best to exude to others, I’m overly apologetic because I’m so self-conscious, so afraid, so doubtful of myself and my abilities. I think very lowly of myself more so than I’d really care to admit.

I’m afraid to fail and I take my own inner doubts out on my loved ones.

Bottom line here - I am human.

I believe that I’ve reached my first step to true happiness, admitting that I’m human, that I can be mean, cruel, selfish, negative, and just plain stupid at times. I doubt myself so much that I find myself saying, “I’m sorry,” when I did nothing wrong. I seek other’s love and acceptance so much that it’s often crippling. When I write all my flaws out like this, it helps me see how stupid I can really be, my first reaction to this is to crawl back into my inner-downward spiral into continuing to hate myself as I’m seeing everything I hate about myself on my computer screen, but not today, nope, I am the only person who can fix me so I’m going to give it a try! Admittedly, I’m still going to give it a try for my precious husband, my incredible family and my loving friends, not for myself, I don’t think I deserve it as much as they do. I realize I’m already going back on fixing myself here but again, I’m still human.

 Okay, so thinking back on the advice Bill Murray’s character was given on “What About Bob,” I’m going to take baby steps. My first baby step is to work on my anger and my reactions to others’ mistakes, emotions and reactions. I’ve had one minor success today on this subject, which also touches on my selfishness, so YEY! I’m a weirdo about my money but have agreed to join bank accounts with my husband and call our money OUR money, instead of MY money. This is a major breakthrough for me, folks. I am a very hard worker and I will attempt to climb up a corporate ladder like a spider monkey, so I tend to be a bit too proud of my own earnings. Luckily, I have yet to resort to tossing my feces at others.

I have to give credit to the following articles that I have recently read which have led to me wanting to improve myself for the sake of others, specifically my husband and our relationship.

1 - http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-women-arent-crazy/

2 - http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/6-reasons-why-women-arent-crazy-is-only-part-of-the-story/

When I read article #1 above, at first I felt like, finally, someone understands how I’ve been feeling my whole life!!!  Then I read article #2 (response to article #1) and then I realized, hey, I’ve been doing this to others my whole life!!! Something about these articles and their subjects put me in a peaceful place, a more understanding, more human place. I’ve found myself truly putting myself in others’ shoes and treating their feelings as important as my own. This inspired me to work on my whole self and all of my flaws for the sake of my loved ones.

So for today I will be more understanding, show love and stop playing the victim card. Even if I am a victim of hurtful things, I am the only one who can control my reaction to them and the amount of time I fret on what was said or done to me.

Sorry for the long, “my, me, me, mine” post, but hopefully it can inspire someone else to start working out on the inside too. 

Good-day, folks and thanks for reading!

That's What He Said.

Decided to start a new blog today, my previous blog seemed far too intimate and quite depressing and negative at times, but yes, that is me. I am human and I can be selfish, angry, jealous, needy and greedy but we are all more than that, more than our flaws and downfalls. After losing a very close, dear friend (Daniel) and reading his inspiring, uplifting and beautiful blog about his life's journeys and lessons I decided to leave a brighter light behind for when I'm gone. Love it or hate it, this is me, and I'll try to stay positive but please note, I am in no way, shape or form perfect in any way.

So for my first post, I'd like to share my favorite blog in the world with you. You're welcome, here's what Daniel said. http://earlton.blogspot.com/2011/07/comfort-of-god.html?spref=fb