Fear Fail

When a thunderstorm rumbles through Nashville, my dog freaks out, he hates the thunder so much that he burrows into our basement closet. It is amazing to me that his instinct is so spot-on that he seeks shelter in the safest place in the house. It makes me think of my human instinct and how humans deal with fear of things such as thunder.

Thunder itself cannot harm you, though when you hear thunder you can pretty much bet on lightning tagging along, but I've read that an average of 300 people die each year in the US due to being struck by lightning, so really, we should be more afraid of steak and bacon as about 600,000 people die each year due to heart disease; this is where Amicus (my dog) and I differ, he has me beat on cuteness and speed, but I have him beat on reasoning, I can sit on the couch and happily listen to the thunder, I prefer the couch over the basement closet any day. But do I have the same, slightly irrational, “thunder fear” elsewhere? Absolutely, it is my fear of failure and it’s holding me in my own “basement closet.”

I am blessed with an able body and able mind and I am blessed with other gifts unique to myself, as all other humans, but do I use my gifts? No, not at all, I bury them in the basement closet because I’m afraid that I’ll fail and people won’t like me or my creation. For example, I love to sing, I feel that it is my unique gift that God has blessed me with but what do I do with it? Nothing. I used to refer to myself as a “singer-songwriter” as I live in Nashville, I sing, and I've written songs, but I haven’t even written more than 10 songs my entire life, most of which I hate; this doesn't make me a “singer-songwriter” so I've stopped calling myself that and I've stopped trying to be in a band in any way, shape or form. Why? Because I’m terrified of the “lightning” that may follow my attempt at using what I've been blessed with, sounds stupid, doesn't it?

Let me explain, I was in an original band once, yes, just once, and it didn't work out. I felt like the band members didn't like what I was doing, I felt that they were all way ahead of me in every way so I felt like I was a backup singer when I was supposedly the band leader. I believe that this is most likely again just another example of my self-doubt getting the best of me, so much that I thought everyone else hated what I was doing as much as I hated what I was doing. My brother and my husband were both in the band, both of whom I STRONGLY admire, both musically and personally, and I didn't want to let them down. I didn't want to let them down so much that I was willing to just let the band disintegrate and dissolve into nothing. I was so afraid of the “lightning” that I scurried to the basement closet before I even think about the “thunder.”

It’s pretty pathetic to see how I let my fears and my need for approval from others send my only gift into the basement closet curled up to my frightened Amicus. What should I do about it? Is it simply my human instinct that I can’t shake? No. Again, I have this ability to reason and should think about why I’m hesitating to share my gift and let it loose in the world. So why do I hesitate? I hesitate because I would be setting myself up for the too familiar feeling of being criticized and made fun of by my “friends.” Again, I need to realize this is simply a feeling, just words from other people’s mouth’s who can’t sing, they can just spew negative remarks on my gift and produce no song. This is their flaw, not mine, and this is the “lighting” I’m afraid of, their flaws? No. I need to get over this. This is my ultimate defeat, my ultimate down-fall, my ultimate failure – my fear of failure is my ultimate fail. How redundant, how...well...just plain silly?!

I should be calloused of this feeling, though I'm not, it's easier for me to just be a cynic and blame others for hurting me and holding me back. Let me explain some of the ways I've felt this devastating feeling of failure and the baggage that's creating my cynical ways and how I'm wrong for letting it continue to stifle my song. 

I've been singing my whole life and in my youth I have failed many times, so much that I think it may have bruised my psyche a bit. After winning talent show after talent show in elementary school, I didn't even make the show in middle school. I was stunned, how could this happen? What did I do? It was the teacher’s choice, either I was getting too cocky (likely story) or it was time to give others a shot (my cockiness showing through) or I wasn't good anymore. I entered the WHNT Kid’s Count – Kid Expo “big deal” singing contest in Huntsville and didn't even make it to the finals. My “No Doubt” song left me with nothing but doubts. I’ll never forget something my mom told me after I lost, she said (knowing my strange love for Elvis that I have had since I was 3), “Mia, no one liked Elvis when he first started getting on the stage and he never stopped.” That made me feel better and those words still comfort me when I fail, even to this very day. Elvis wasn't afraid of the thunder, though, perhaps he should have thought twice about the bacon, regardless, he's still my inspiration today as cliche as that may sound. 

After another musical defeat I started thinking, oh well, whatever, I might as well just focus on basketball as it was something else I could do well.  I put my whole heart in basketball and practiced after my team’s practice with Dad every day, one hundred three-pointers at five different spots on the perimeter, yep, perfect form every time thanks to Dad! I bet I could beat any of you today in a game of “H-O-R-S-E” or any word you’d like to try and spell (again, there's that cocky side that needs to be channeled more often, that confidence is hiding in here somewhere). 

When high school came along I didn't make show choir after trying my best to be humble about my gift. Something was up at this point, people don’t like me.  I’m just not good. That’s what I told myself, that’s how I felt. Sophomore year came around, still didn't make show choir. Again, crushed, angry, confused, I didn't make it my junior year either so again I felt the lightning of my failure. Finally my senior year they changed the policy, it wasn't just “teacher’s choice” anymore, I could audition and there were people from outside the school on the judging panel! Not only did I make show choir that year, one of the girls in my audition made my year, she said, “Do you think you could just skip this and sing with us college singers instead?” I was THRILLED!!! FINALLY, success!!! It made me forget all about the fear of failing, I could sing again! 

This energy left me feeling like singing in the county’s Junior Miss contest! I entered the contest, played the guitar and sang, and I didn't even place, again. Again I felt crushed, like my efforts were all in vain and my voice was pointless. My friends were there to cheer me on though, they kept me up, they kept me up until they let me down. We were all watching the video of me singing at the Junior Miss show at a friend’s house and they were really complimenting me, making me feel so much better about losing. I left the house, forgot my coat and had to return, upon returning I let myself in the house only to find a room full of my friends AND their parents laughing hysterically at my video because I had my eyes closed as I was singing because I was feeling the music I was singing and playing. Talk about feeling crushed. I was totally and completely heartbroken. I have since forgiven the folks who broke my heart that day as I know they were just expressing their internal cowardice, I mean, not one of them signed up to compete in the program so who are they to laugh at me and all of my efforts? If you read my previous rambling, you may see that these folks were some of the weeds I have weeded out of my garden.

So, remember when I talked about basketball? Yeah, that didn't stop either. I was working my butt off, having a blast, learning some valuable life lessons without even realizing it – all thanks to basketball, all thanks to Dad. He was a crucial point of this, he was my critic and I was okay with that, I respected him, he knew my game, he knew what was up, we had signals for everything and we were set. My coach didn't always agree with me, however, and I wasn't one to sit back and agree with him either, so needless to say, again, I didn't receive the recognition I thought I deserved. I played almost every single minute of every single game, I played almost every different position, called the plays and scored goals. Did I ever get an MVP award? Nope. The year I literally tied a three-point scoring record at the regional finals (my name is still in the program at the tournament each year, I might add), bringing us to the state tournament, I still didn't receive the MVP award.

There I stood on the center of the court, crushed again, failure searing through my veins like lightning, anger ruining the moment of winning the game. The award went to the girl it always went to, I was happy for her, at least I pretended to be, because she did work very hard at her skill too so I had to let it pass. Although it was such a familiar feeling, it still stung as deep as it always does, so I was then done with basketball too, I had had enough failure for high school, didn't want to carry it to college. Not to mention that I was the #1 player on the tennis team, and at my school, that meant that I got my ass beat on the reg. by all the rich girls at other schools who could afford lessons every weeknight. I was okay with that, though, I didn't try too hard at my tennis game so I could blame myself and shrug it off and laugh. It was pretty comical at times too and my team was really fun.

Now that I've rambled my life story to you all on the times I’m failed with my singing and with basketball, giving up athletic scholarships that could save me money, even to this day, I’ll get back to my instinct. So now I see that my instinct to give up my basketball scholarships that were offered, and to not start the Nashville band back again, IS different than my dog’s instinct to run to the basement closet when the thunder rolls, because again, I can reason.

I can reason that I've actually felt the lightning strike me before, as I've felt failure SO much that I know that it’s something I’m equipped to handle. It hurts like nothing else in this world but it doesn't take me out of it, so why run when I hear or feel the thunder, the thought that I just might fail, that I just might feel that stinging lighting again? I am an animal, is that why? No, it’s because I’m a coward and I need to step up and realize that failure isn't going to kill me. I need to remember how it felt when I saw Dad grinning from ear to ear when I hit that 7^th 3-pointer to tie the record, and how it feels when Mom begs me to sing “that song, you know, that song I love” just once more, they’re my true fans, and THAT should be my thunder and my voice should be my lightning. I need not let my fear send me to the basement closet and I need to remember that my gifts aren't given to me to hide in the basement closet and no one can send me there but me.

Thanks again for reading this, I realize today I may have gotten a bit too personal, and as always, too riddled with analogies but eh, maybe I let you down and maybe today I don’t care if I did. Get out there and fail at something, chances are, you won’t get struck by lightning.