Check, mate.

What's in your to do list? Is it full of your self-worth to the extent that it is the point of which you measure your opinion of others? Sometimes I find that I fall prey to these negative feelings; feelings that I fear could possibly block the boundless ability of my human mind. I'm working on detecting my emotion so that I may gain a higher ability to expand my perception, compassion, and overall understanding of you people wandering around me on this planet.

Last year I would say that I, "consider myself a hard worker," but I'm happy to say that I've matured to accept confidence and now I will say that I am most definitely a hard worker. It's a fact that's on the brink of a budding problem but I think I have a healthy hold on it at this point in the game. I enjoy my work, though I tend to judge myself based on my overall performance and my career is a heavy hitter in that category so when I work hard, I feel good about myself. Normal, right? For folks like me it isn't just normal, it's a thrill. But I shouldn't feel less respect for those who don't necessarily work as hard as I do or have the same kind of demanding day-job that I do, that's their prerogative to do what they want and who I am I to understand what they are truly capable of, especially if they're not willing to explore their own possibilities. It's silly that this is such a struggle for me to accept, a problem to work on to improve myself. If I don't work on it, then I allow the risk of this judgmental thought to become extreme and then I voluntarily walk into the consuming fog that is my own  self-esteem, blown out of proportion to the point that I'm able to see nothing but my own success-seeking-self. I become immune to reason, understanding, and the ability for my mind to venture to a perspective that is anyone else's; I believe this would weaken my mind, my ability, my possibilities, because I am one human, unable to figure out this utterly encompassing world with this single, mortal brain. Thinking less of others tips the scale of thinking to highly of myself, and what is more dangerous than the possibility of true arrogance? Gross. 

This thought makes my brain sigh with a bit of hopeful relief and a hint of dread for what door that it opened. It cracked the door of compassion for the victims of the judgmental, arrogant mind. Have I graduated from sympathy to empathy? But oh how much easier it is for me to simply disregard judgmental folks altogether. Now I can imagine the path that their minds may have traveled, and maybe they simply expect everyone to have their drive and effort. Maybe they're tired of trying so hard. Tired of never being appreciated for all their hard work; no one ever appreciates the overwhelming amount of checkmarks they have scored on their to-do lists so when they see someone without a score board, they don't know what to feel other than anger. Anger is easy. They could have done nothing at all with their time and still be a human, a mortal being with nothing really to give or receive other than love. 

It sounds so simple, doesn't it? Simplicity is deceptive, nothing is ever simple, it just feels safest that way and it's up to us to decide when to let things be. I'm deciding to stop here and live here for a while, here in this thought. I finally feel a bit better about where my head is, I finally feel like I've made a tiny crack into a window of another perception, a fresh breeze always makes me feel a little more alive.

So when I hear to "Accept others for who they are" then yeah, maybe I will try and to accept all others, even strangers, even the laziest, most selfish of ass holes out there, and the most arrogant, judgmental, political nut jobs, for who they are. If not for their benefit, then at least for my own. If I'm caught up worrying about the ways of strangers, that I have absolutely no control over, then how can I successfully accomplish all that I've proudly collected on my to-do list? I don't think I can. Not to mention that this acceptance could save me from becoming the angry,  judgmental, emotionally exhausted, pitiful person that I should also accept, understand, and try and love. There are not just types of people in this world, everyone is their own type and if I can appreciate everyone  for being how they are, imperfect, individual human beings, then I can be happy with my own imperfect self, regardless of my score board. Love is about all I've got to give and hoarding anything is never a pretty sight.

To put it simply, this is just another day to try and love all you underachievers and overachievers out there and I'm happy to share that I think I'm one step closer to sharing that love. I hope my ranting steam of consciousness makes a little sense to you at least, basically the summary is this: I try very hard so when you don't try at all, it pisses me off and I think less of you, though I shouldn't because that's how arrogant, judgmental people think and now that I see myself thinking in that direction I have sympathy for the judgmental thinkers out there, which also allows room in my brain to appreciate and accept those who don't try as hard as me, resulting in a tiny feeling of happy accomplishment for me - coming complete circle and checking off another small success off of my precious, ongoing to-do-list ;) Ha! I can only work on me so I suppose the accepting should start here first. I accept and appreciate my curious, hard working, success-seeking, over-thinking self. Aaaand, check.

As always, I appreciate you for reading, maybe even now more than ever, and hopefully even more for the next post.