The Grudge

Let's let it go with the let downs.

I began my day today with a few let downs, a reminder of a few let downs, and a sense of dread for new ones to come, this does not make for a happy Wednesday. I say this, but I do not want to paint myself as a victim, as I can control my day and my mood, no one else. If it’s not a happy Wednesday for me so far, then how can I make it happy and steer my thoughts to a brighter light? I’ll start with coffee.

I feel that my last post may have been a bit too personal, that my stories were a bit too specific and that I may have painted myself as a victim, which was not my intention. Pity is never something that one should seek, I never want pity, though support and encouragement are always welcome and accepted with great appreciation. I can’t begin to express how overcome with love and support I’ve felt over everyone’s reaction to this little blog of mine, so I thank you all for being so kind, supportive and truly wonderful to me. It’s seriously a breakthrough for me and some of my relationships with those who have read this and I’m more than thankful, I’m stoked. I thank you.

Okay, so back to being let down – we’ve all felt this, we’ve all been disappointed by someone we love and it always hurts. But what do we do with this hurt? The easiest thing to do, the most selfish, self-destructive thing to do is to take those 2 ounces of disappointment, sift out all the past happiness in your heart from those who disappointed you, remove the love, and bake your brain and heart for weeks on end and voila, there you have it, folks, a nice, big, nasty lump of grudge to eat away at your soul as long as you can stand it. Doesn’t it taste great! No, it’s horrible, there’s nothing more bitter tasting than a deeply rooted grudge.

Have you ever seen the movie The Grudge? Me neither, but I’m forced to see the terrifying commercials for the movie that add to my imagination only to haunt my dreams at night. Yes, I realize this movie is old news, but the title and content (from what I can tell from the previews) reminded me of the grudges that I hold inside of me, they are more than ugly and scary like the movie and its images, and they don’t just haunt my dreams, they haunt my life and hold me back from relationships that could be beautiful and could contribute to my own positive, internal growth.

Sometimes I find myself thinking, “Oh well, she hates me, forget it, I don’t need her anyway,” but I don’t know this. I don’t know that I don‘t need someone, how do I ever know what awards and benefits I can gain from a friendship if I give it up at the first feeling of disappointment? Friendship reminds me of a tulip bulb, at first it looks like a dirty-little-deformed-onion, but let’s overlook that, bury it in good soil, water it a little, and then one day wander outside to find our new favorite flower, one that we had never imagined could be so beautiful and make us so happy.

Friends and family are going to disappoint us, no matter what, and we are going to disappoint them because we’re ALL human and if we can so easily accept our own human ways then why not others? If we don’t accept their downfalls, mistakes, and flaws, then who are we to assume that our downfalls, mistakes, and flaws should be forgiven and accepted by others? Let’s be real though, sometimes people can appear as dirty-little-deformed-onions and they do horrible things and they should know that their actions are wrong, and if that happens and we are just so upset, and so disappointed and let down by their actions, we should try and fix it, approach them in a loving way, while understanding they’re human too, and explain our feelings. When they reply, let’s actually listen to them and be ready to take the blame for any feelings of hurt that we may have caused. This is the point where I separate the weeds from the flowers, if my sincere attempt to resolve an issue is rejected entirely and I see no chance of saving the relationship, then maybe that means they are a weed that I don’t need in my garden, but I need to be careful here and decipher which end of the argument is truly bringing the negativity. Bottom line here is to try your BEST to RESOLVE the issue, no matter how long you’ve been letting it rise, don’t let it bake your brain and heart until they are so well done that they’re worth sending back, that’s only leaving you hungry. That’s the only solution I have found that softens my heart and keeps it open for new happiness to come inside, but I’m definitely still working on it, as I too, am simply another human and definitely guilty of disappointing my loved ones.

Nothing feels better than forgiveness, no matter which end of it you’re on, so let’s try our best to not allow our friend’s dirty-little-deformed-onion-acting-moments keep us from continuing to water that relationship, we don’t even know what color of tulip they can be in our pretty little gardens. We ALL have one life, one garden, so let’s make it beautiful and love it and all of the seedling that flutter into it. 

Thanks again for reading my rambles.